Gainful Employment

I spent this last weekend in Chicago, and as I was walking past a downtown fire station, a paddy-wagon shaped vehicle pulled out of the driveway. The panel of the truck read:

Chicago Fire Department SCUBA Team.

Now, if you have a keen and incisive intellect like myself, you have probably already called two facts to mind:

1) the Fire Department uses water to put out fires, and;
2) anything requiring the assistance of a SCUBA team is likely already completely submerged by water.

These two facts might also lead one to two probable, but not certain, conclusions:

1) the Chicago Fire Department SCUBA team is not very busy, and:
2) any situation that actually calls for their help is likely to cause some confusion... observe:

*the following dialogue should be read while vibrating your lips with your finger to indicate that it happens underwater*

SCUBA Fireman 1: Whoa. We’re underwater, and the fire is still
burning.

SCUBA Fireman 2: I’ll get the hose.

SCUBA
Fireman 1: I can’t see that being very effective.

(the Firemen
leave to get some little mermaid’s catfish out of a tree)

Later that night, our hot waitress asked what I did for a living. What I didn’t want to say was “law clerk.” What I did want to say was Chicago Fire Department SCUBA diver. I started to wonder if there were other, equally implausible chick-magnet jobs.

Bomb Squad Alligator Handler: just in case some bomb ends up in an alligator’s mouth, the Bomb Squad Alligator Handler can coax the creature and quickly de-fuse the bomb. The hook for the ladies? He protects people and innocent reptiles.

Surf Lawyer: Represents clients for injuries received from poorly manufactured boards and inattentive fellow surfers. Catches the ladies with that perfect mix of tanned six-pack and settled ability to provide.

Kidnapped Kitten Bounty Hunter: No holds barred tough-guy exterior covers a heart of gold and a love of snuggling.

CIA Agent Whose Cover is Professional Athlete or Rock and Roll Icon: Undercover intrigue AND fame! It’s a lot like James Bond. You get to be smooth and capable like a spy, despite the fact that everyone in your host country knows your name, face and secret agent ID number.

Collector of Fragile Porcelain Objects: Nothing drives the honeys wild like a back-lit curio full of collectables.

FBI Stunt-pilot: Distracts criminals with shows of aeronautical prowess, also, provides perfect cover for investigating allegations that the key grip in King Kong is perpetuating mail fraud.

Elitist, Jet-Setting Son of a Rich Man: Okay, nothing about this is an odd combination of two jobs, but if you just tell the chicks you’re unemployed and living off dad (instead of some type of consultant or producer that never meets with any clients) you score points for money and honesty. Bonus!