My New Online Life

I recently received my fortieth e-mail from some long-lost acquaintance asking me to join MySpace. Thanks for the love guys, but a phone call, a letter, an e-mail not advertising a website, any actual, personal connection will suffice.

After a bit of thinking (and a few more e-mails…I get the point McKinzie, you want me to join MySpace, but can’t be bothered to call) I decided, hell, I was the last one on the block to get a blog, why not be the last in the country to join MySpace.

I spent a bit of time setting up my profile, then I decided to browse a bit, see who was in my area, and then, since I’m a curious guy, see who is from way out in the middle of nowhere.

This is what I found.

Now, I’m not saying I know much about much, but my first reaction was ‘what are the chances?’ After a second thought, I realized that the chances of finding a genuine supermodel on MySpace are exactly the same as finding anyone on MySpace. Probably greater, considering she has a publicist to take care of correspondence with all the little people.

I examined the profile a bit more closely and uncovered three points of interest. First, Tyra Banks has an album. I love is when celebrities cross genres; like when Tony Danza directed an episode of Touched by an Angel (and if that didn’t happen, it should).

Second, Ms. Büchden seem a trifle upset that no one believes this is really her:

Hello.

0k, i know some people [haters] will be like "Y0U'RE N0T REAL Y0U'RE JUST AN0THER FAKE!" but im not i do not care what anyone says! And there are alot of people trying to be me on here, and it gets really fusterating! But this is me and i will try & respond to all of you as soon as i can.

Anyway, I promise you from the bottom of my heart this is me. And if you dont believe me or is a hater then dont message me please Becasue it hurts me to think that my fans dont believe me.I also know who is the real Tyra and all the other VS models. So as soon as they add me i will ler you know ok?

Thank you for your time. And i really hope you believe me becuase i am telling the truth! I am new @ this so please spread the word that i am real and that i need new friends, picture comments & you know the rest.

Love you!

-Gisele-

The purple highlighting is present in the original.

Most importantly, everyone in Ms. Büchden’s friends list is another Victoria’s Secret model. This means either:

a) there are a bunch of Vicky’s models cavorting about the internet, available for anyone (sort of);

b) there is an organized group of fake Vicky’s models cavorting about the internet; or, hopefully,

c) some of them are fakers and others are not.

In any event, methinks this deserves a little digging.

Reality in a Box

Last week, racked out hottie Danni Boatwright outlasted, -witted, and –played a group of jungle bound Americans in Guatemala to end another grueling season of CBS’s no longer so runaway hit franchise, “Survivor.” Her fortitude has earned her 1 million dollars and a new car.

Contestants spend 39 days in the sweltering jungle of El Peten, a forbidding environment known both for the beauty of the jungle and age and complexity of Mayan tradition in which the land is steeped. Contestants were required to run mazes, climb trees and balance on rounded platforms.

"Survivor: Guatemala" is part of a now well-known entertainment genre known as “reality TV.” As the name of the genre implies, the environment in which the game is played, the challenges faced within it, and the perfectness of the teeth and abs of the contestants are carefully crafted to closely mirror the lives of

actual Guatemalans, who, if they are lucky, will leave the sweltering jungle for 39 days, and who outwit competitors during challenges such as civil war, poverty, health care shortages, and the ghosts of long dead Maya chieftains who still roam the jungles at night in the hopes of winning 66 cents per day for the duration of the contest.

Heartfelt congratulations to Ms. Boatwright on her hotness and newly acquired millionaire status, to CBS for the conclusion of another successful season, and to the members of the "Survivor" consuming public for thier unbelievable ability to keep a straight face while calling this show "Reality."

I Think Chinese People Are Jesus

I fed six people out of a carton the size of a cracker box last night. I'm starting to think that "loaves and fishes" has been mis-translated from the original Arameic words for "Crispy Fish with Discarded Needle and Wontons."