Spam-a-Lot

For most of my interweb-connected life I have been lucky with spam. I get the occasional letters from pitiable Nigerian princes with fathers dead in flaming Jaguars on the road to Accra, but rarely the deluge of advertisements for pharmaceuticals made for people older and *cough* less virile than me. Rarely, that is, until recently.

You see, like a college junior whose mom gave him a Brita pitcher for Christmas, my employer has failed to change the filter. Now, despite having the fancy-pants pitcher, our e-mail is full of scum. It’s the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.

The second best thing about getting spam is seeing how the spammers contrive to get around screening software that picks up words like ‘penis’. I get all these e-mails that start as news reports about Heath Ledger or civil unrest in East Timor. The articles are getting longer and longer, so even the people that get the spam and open it aren’t really seeing the “Cialis Cheep!” graphic before they realize it’s spam anyway. Recently, I got this:

Monday update.
Symb: T A D F (Tactical Air Defense Services)
Tactical Air
Defense Services (TADS), a leading provider of tactical aviation training and services to the United States and Allied Nations, has quietly positioned itself to utilize a fleet of the most advanced fighter jets and aerial refueling tankers in the world for military aviation training needs. Those who get in now are likely to see profits soar through the stratosphere. Headquartered at the Grayson County Airport in Denison, Texas – formerly the Perrin Air Force Base – Tactical Air Defense has the capability to provide clients with the most comprehensive logistical, repair, and aircraft training support available. TADS IS AS CLOSE AS IT COMES TO A SUREFIRE MONEY-MAKER.

That’s the entire message. I don’t even think there’s an advertisement in there. The spammers are now simply sending out informative articles as a public service.

The best thing about spam is the writing in the penis enlargement ads. The subject lines are hilarious enough:

Beat her womb with your new big rod, let her knew when pants are off

I decided I want the job writing those subject lines. If any spammers are out there reading this, here is my audition...

“Plumb her depths with big man submarine so she moan when you home”

“Leave extra in her bun with a big wiener”

“Hit her in the ovaries ... but with your dick this time”

The sales pitches are even better. I know, I know, you’re saying to yourself ‘they simply cannot be any more absurd than the suggestion that you beat your woman’s womb with your member’. They can:

are you sick of being laughed at in the men’s room? Get a bigger prick.

Why yes, MegaDik*, I am quite sick of it. I will order five bottles of your product immediately.

As an aside, how did your marketing staff know that I prance around naked in the men’s restroom?

when was the last time you took off your pants and your disappointed partner ran
from the room yelling ‘it’s too small’?

Okay, no. Never. That has never happened. And I’m not saying just to me, I mean ever. In the history of sexual relations that scenario has never, ever happened. Does MegaDik really presume that there are hundreds of small-dicked Cassanovas out there; wooing women into bed night after night only to have them flee at the sight of their teenie-weenie.

The list of things that can cause a woman you have gotten naked and into your bedroom to leave without first engaging in “activities” is relatively short (no pun intended):

1) you pull out the gimp mask (before you know if she’s into that stuff);
2) you reveal that you have AIDs. Or probably the clap;
3) you mention that condoms made of sheep's intestine “feel more natural”;
4) you share a bedroom with your mother; or,
5) she finds the severed head in your freezer.

The marketing plan boggles me. I understand that you prey upon the insecurities of the modern male, but should it really be so absurd? Spam is cheap, but is there a single person that clicks on these ads? I hope so, otherwise my supply of little day-brighters will dry right up.



*can you imagine that someone actually sat around trying to author a clever, eye catching name for the product and came up with that?



UPDATE!!

I could not make this shit up:

At last you've found a lass that's hot
You wanna hump her tasteful twat.
She's cute and taking, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will wish for more?
You need a dic'k she would adore!
But how to get it long and thick?
Your only chance is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see wild craving in her eyes!
Your schlong will stuff her pink so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!