Gainful Employment

I spent this last weekend in Chicago, and as I was walking past a downtown fire station, a paddy-wagon shaped vehicle pulled out of the driveway. The panel of the truck read:

Chicago Fire Department SCUBA Team.

Now, if you have a keen and incisive intellect like myself, you have probably already called two facts to mind:

1) the Fire Department uses water to put out fires, and;
2) anything requiring the assistance of a SCUBA team is likely already completely submerged by water.

These two facts might also lead one to two probable, but not certain, conclusions:

1) the Chicago Fire Department SCUBA team is not very busy, and:
2) any situation that actually calls for their help is likely to cause some confusion... observe:

*the following dialogue should be read while vibrating your lips with your finger to indicate that it happens underwater*

SCUBA Fireman 1: Whoa. We’re underwater, and the fire is still
burning.

SCUBA Fireman 2: I’ll get the hose.

SCUBA
Fireman 1: I can’t see that being very effective.

(the Firemen
leave to get some little mermaid’s catfish out of a tree)

Later that night, our hot waitress asked what I did for a living. What I didn’t want to say was “law clerk.” What I did want to say was Chicago Fire Department SCUBA diver. I started to wonder if there were other, equally implausible chick-magnet jobs.

Bomb Squad Alligator Handler: just in case some bomb ends up in an alligator’s mouth, the Bomb Squad Alligator Handler can coax the creature and quickly de-fuse the bomb. The hook for the ladies? He protects people and innocent reptiles.

Surf Lawyer: Represents clients for injuries received from poorly manufactured boards and inattentive fellow surfers. Catches the ladies with that perfect mix of tanned six-pack and settled ability to provide.

Kidnapped Kitten Bounty Hunter: No holds barred tough-guy exterior covers a heart of gold and a love of snuggling.

CIA Agent Whose Cover is Professional Athlete or Rock and Roll Icon: Undercover intrigue AND fame! It’s a lot like James Bond. You get to be smooth and capable like a spy, despite the fact that everyone in your host country knows your name, face and secret agent ID number.

Collector of Fragile Porcelain Objects: Nothing drives the honeys wild like a back-lit curio full of collectables.

FBI Stunt-pilot: Distracts criminals with shows of aeronautical prowess, also, provides perfect cover for investigating allegations that the key grip in King Kong is perpetuating mail fraud.

Elitist, Jet-Setting Son of a Rich Man: Okay, nothing about this is an odd combination of two jobs, but if you just tell the chicks you’re unemployed and living off dad (instead of some type of consultant or producer that never meets with any clients) you score points for money and honesty. Bonus!

Cup Fever

It’s the biggest game on earth, and it’s hard not to get into the action. Unless you’re an American, and all the games start at 8 am on Tuesday.

As with every World Cup, the 2006 field has some amazing human interest stories. The diversity of nations participating in the World Cup make it easy to get swept away by a favorite team’s culture or history. But no story is grabbing more highlights and talk time this year than the Ivory Coast, a small West African nation that made its first World Cup appearance despite being home to a host of world class players, including Chelsea striker Didier Drogba.

What makes Ivory Coast’s appearance so spectacular is not the impressive side they have this Cup, nor the heartache of having been seeded with soccer giants like Holland and Argentina. All the attention given the Ivory Coast because this World Cup appearance has led to the first truce ever called in the nation’s bloody, three year civil war (making it all the more ironic that the fierce competition in their round robin seeding earned it the nickname “The Group of Death").

Sportscasters and pundits alike are quick to credit the spirit of The Beautiful Game with granting reprieve to a war–torn nation. But the truce begs a question that belies such a high order of absurdity that it’s hard to ask: if soccer can inspire a feeling of common aspiration strong enough to cease the war temporarily, why can’t the future or your nation and its children inspire you seek a peaceful solution to your problems? (I know, I know. “Fuck you hippy, it doesn’t work that way.”)

Even if football does lead to a temporary realization of our aspirations to harmony, it does well for us to remember that, as always, peaceful ambitions are secondary. In the real world, it’s still dog-eat-dog, and the complexity of problems leave us feeling apathetic. After all, neither Argentina, Holland, nor their fans had any difficulty celebrating wins that would surely lead to an earlier re-start of Ivory Coast hostilities. The Ivory Coast was sent home early, proving, at the very least, that the fact that a few million Africans can’t get it together isn’t enough to cause anyone involved to throw the game and ruin their own World Cup aspirations. Not that anyone living a nation as tough as the Ivory Coast wants our pity points, I suppose.