Intelligent Divine

The official Vatican newspaper published an article this week labeling as "correct" the recent decision by a judge in Pennsylvania that intelligent design should not be taught as a scientific alternative to evolution. While the article did not specifically embrace the teachings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, its author certainly gets the point:

"If the model proposed by Darwin is not considered sufficient, one should search for another," Fiorenzo Facchini, a professor of evolutionary biology at the University of Bologna, "But it is not correct from a methodological point of view to stray from the field of science while pretending to do science. It only creates confusion between the scientific plane and those that are philosophical or religious."

The article emphasizes that there is no inherent inconsistency between Catholic dogma and the teaching of Darwinian evolution or a close derivative, a view that strongly suggests Catholic biology professors are not generally taught the Book of Genesis in CCD class (“And God created great whales and every living creature that moveth…” Gen. 1:21; why the great whales get special mention and the lemurs nothing is beyong me).

Still, the reconciliation of a text that traces world creation back six thousand years and a science that traces it back 4.5 billion is impressive not only for statistical reasons but also because of its tendency to allow people of science to retain faith without having their heads explode.

The Vatican stresses that the article does count as official Church doctrine, but sources inside the pope’s enclave say that His Holiness viewed a copy of the text sent to him by Pope Fax (the Holy office supplies are all covered in bullet-proof plexi-glass) and he nodded verily.

Source

Politically Incorrect

Ever since I stuck the ‘FIN’ Euro decal on the back of my car, I have started paying more attention to other cars with similar decals. They make these stickers for countries, states, and even some popular phrases and symbols, but they all tend to evoke a grungy, backpacker type feel. You can imagine my surprise, then, when I saw a Euro oval supporting the President.

Far be it from me to engage in any political dialogue on a journal meant to harpoon everyone, but I’m pretty used to W and his supporters spinning his policies into something they aren’t, so it isn’t the dissonance between what Bush is and what he claims to be that surprises me; it’s that any Bush supporter would want to align themselves backpacking Jetta owners.

Blood Sucking Politicians

'Impaler' sinks his teeth into governor's race

Dane Smith, Star Tribune

Looking for something really, really different in a political candidate this year?

Take a gander at Jonathon (The Impaler) Sharkey, who will launch his gubernatorial campaign in Princeton, Minn., on Friday the 13th as a "satanic dark priest" and the leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party."

I’ll bet that was a tough primary. I can just imagine some of the candidates.

Since there's nothing but a $300 filing fee to stop anyone from running for statewide office, campaigns in Minnesota typically attract colorful and eccentric characters looking for attention. And of course, former Gov. Jesse Ventura broke the mold and got elected. But Minnesota may never have seen a more outside-the-box politician than the Impaler, also a former pro wrestler.

For starters, he describes himself as a "sanguinary vampyre ... just like you see in the movies and TV, I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor (at this time in my life, it is my wife, Julie), and drink their blood," he said in an e-mail.

Riiiiiiiiiiight…

The 13-point platform on his extensive website offers a number of conventional policy initiatives, including emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans.

Oooone platform point…twooooo plantform points… AH AH AH!!

Quite some distance from the mainstream, however, is his pledge to execute -- by impalement in front of the State Capitol -- terrorists, rapists, drug dealers, child abusers, repeat drunken drivers and anybody who preys on the elderly.

That should make for more interesting elementary school field trips to the Hill.

"I'm going to be totally open and honest," he said. "Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side."

Sharkey's religious convictions also might be described as well removed from the middle of the road. Call it compassionate Satanism. "On a whole, those who worship Lucifer are no more evil than those who worship other gods," he says on his website.

Although he calls the "Christian God the Father" his "mortal enemy," Sharkey said he has nothing against Jesus Christ or his followers. But he thinks God the Father was a poor parent for allowing his son to be crucified.

Wait. Wasn’t that WHY… oh never mind.

Sharkey, 41, is receiving veterans' disability benefits because of a severe injury in the Army in 1982. On a high-altitude jump while training as a paratrooper, he says, his main parachute failed and the reserve chute opened just before he hit the ground "like a ton of bricks."

That explains a lot.

He has registered as a 2008 presidential candidate with the Federal Election Commission and says he soon will register with state campaign officials as a gubernatorial candidate.

Selling Out

Well, it finally happened. I flipped on Comedy Central only to see an advertisement for a collection of alt rock hits marketed for my generation. Buzz Ballads. This is worse than the ‘Monster Ballads’ commercial I used to laugh at when I was nineteen, in which lead singers with more hair than most entire households sell out and sing about love instead of screwing groupies (see: REO Speedwagon).

I can barely imagine what would happen if I stumbled across some nineteen year –old punk-ass mocking “Santeria.” Please, feel free to berate Lifehouse’s “Hangin’ By a Moment,” just don’t try and define my youth existence by it.

Seeing the music that defined your younger experience, even the music you didn’t like but can’t help but remember, collected sold for the presumable purpose of recreating that experience has an odd (but altogether unsurprising) way of making you feel on the shelf and irrelevant; that which defines our generation has been identified, boxed and is now available for $26.99.

Right now a younger, hipper crowd that gets laid more often is pushing outside that box, defying marketing firms and their parents to categorize them. Good luck, guys. Like me, you will eventually find your beloved (or not so beloved) songs on at the dentist’s office.

This isn’t, of course, to suggest that Toad the Wet Sprocket and Third Eye Blind were making all the “important” music five to ten years ago, the same way that “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” wasn’t really an anthem for the eighties at the time. But it IS the only REO Speedwagon song still in karaoke book. Maybe the what chafes the most about box sets isn’t so much that we are being sold nostalgia as if there’s nothing left to live for, but rather that the nostalgia we are sold is middle of the road tripe. We’re marginalized into celebrating songs not because they deserve it, but because they were our prom themes and senior video background music.

Happy New Year

5....
4....
3....
2....
1....

Excuse to party!!